Hetalia High
by Slovenskych
Summary: The students at Bixington High this year are in for a treat - all their teachers have been replaced with foreign ones! Meet the weird, the wacky, and the terrifying new teachers of this not-so-typical High School. A quick read for fun.
1. Core Classes

**So this is the result of me being bored in class. I hope it's not too cliche, and I know I could do a lot more with it, but for now it's just a quick thing for fun. PLEASE review and let me know what I could to to make this more funny! I will post one chap a day to gather steam, depending on feedback. Enjoy!**

**Hetalia High**

This year at Bixington High School was going to be very different. At parent orientation, the principal announced that the staff would be replaced with foreign teachers from all over the world. The board believed this would help expand the education and perspective of the students. On the first day of school, the students didn't really know what to expect.

* * *

Core Classes

**English II – Kirkland, Arthur – Country: England**

The students are greeted at the door by a thin, shorter man with scruffy blonde hair and bright green eyes. "Hello, welcome to English II. You will kindly seat yourself in desk 2A." He says after shaking hands with each one. The students feel a pit of dread as they realize their English teacher is _English._ The classroom is ridiculously neat and organized; most of the posters either black and white or dully colored. On Mr. Kirkland's podium is a cup of tea. The classroom is generally silent as he walks to the black-board.

English II Fun Facts:

NO BAD GRAMMAR. This is the first and foremost rule of Mr. Kirkland's class. If he hears a slip, you have twice as much homework as the already impossible amount.

Mr. Kirkland only uses the blackboard, and he writes in cursive. He also expects the students to write in cursive so you'd better learn.

NO NOT TOUCH HIS TEACUP. Don't touch it, don't ask.

Anyone caught trying to sneak something into his tea will have detention for a week. Said mischief-maker is always told on because if the class won't tell who did it, then they _all_ have detention.

No gum. Mr. Kirkland has a hawk's eye for gum-chewers, and they have to spend the weekend scraping gum off of desks.

Mr. Kirkland brags about English authors, and every novel the class reads is written by one.

He teaches English spellings, and counts off for American ones.

A TON OF HOMEWORK. It's ridiculous. Mr. Kirkland believes English is the most important subject.

Pretty much everyone hates him, but that year the school got number one for English test scores.

Everyone knows that Mr. Kirland has a thing for magic. One day when he got especially angry, he roared, "I'M GOING TO CURSE YOU ALL!" Then he calmly walked to the phone, chuckling evilly, and dialed a number. "I have summoned you from the depths of hell. SHOW YOURSELF!" The class room stares dumbfounded as Mr. Kirkland puts down the reciever and sits at his desk, smiling contendedly and watching the door. A few minutes later, Mr. Braginski's head popped in. "You called?"

Every now and then Mr. Kirkland's nephew, Peter, will be in class. He spends the hour lounging at his uncle's desk, interrupting lectures and repeatedly calling Mr. Kirkland a jerk. The class loves it, because 1) Mr. Kirkland is hilarious when he gets mad and 2) He can't punish Peter by giving him homework, so he is helpless against the rudeness.

Everyone is ecstatic on the days that Mr. Kirkland is gone. The substitute is Mr. Chun from Hong Kong. Even though Mr. Kirkland assigns work, Mr. Chun just gives everyone free 100's for the day and covers up their bad behavior.

**Algebra II – Honda, Kiku – Country: Japan**

"Good morning." The students are greeted by a slight bow from their Japanese teacher. The classroom is decorated with some traditional Japanese décor and nature photographs. He seems nice enough, and so the students chat until he walks to the front of the room.

"Hello, class. My name is Mr. Honda, and I am your Algebra teacher for this year. Tomorrow we will review what you already know, but today we will not be doing any math." The students sigh with relief. "Now, may I please have a volunteer?" The students look around at each other in surprise A cocky boy raises his hand.

"Yes. What is your name?"

"Derek."

"Thank you for volunteering, Derek-kun. Please stand by me." The boy sidles over to Mr. Honda, smirking at the class. "Now. Today I am going to teach you some ancient Japanese ninja techniques." The students' heads snap up and the boy's eyes widen as Mr. Honda pulled a sword seemingly out of nowhere. "This is a Katana. It is ancient Japanese weapon. I will show you how it is used. Derek-kun, would you please hold out your right arm." By the end of the demonstration, the class applauded and whooped for their Algebra teacher, who despite his mellow appearance and soft voice, _really_ knows some moves. From day one they like him and respect him, and do _not_ want to get on his bad side.

Algebra II Fun Facts:

Mr. Honda is a patient teacher and will go over the material as many times as the class needs.

He assigns a good amount of homework – not WAY too much.

If everyone does well on a test, Mr. Honda will bring some Japanese snacks. Some like them, some don't.

If any students get out of hand, Mr. Honda will pull and epic ninja move when they least expect it. The Katana is mounted on the wall.

Mr. Honda is constantly bombarded with requests for manga drawings, to which he replies, "It is unprofessional." Still, everyone knows he is a sexy beast at it.

Mr. Honda is also in charge of yearbook – photography is his passion.

**Geometry – Adnan, Sadiq – Country: Turkey**

Girls squeal when they see that their Geometry teacher is a tall, muscular man with chestnut skin and dark brown hair. He is dressed in jeans and a hoodie, lounging in his chair as he watches the students file in. The only unnerving thing about him is the phantom-of-the-opera type mask he's wearing. He appears approachable, so a few kids ask him about it. "It gives me power." is his response. By now the students are used to weird teachers and just accept it. The noise dies down when Mr. Adnan walks to the front of class.

"Hey guys, I'm Coach Adnan. What's up?" His accent makes him sound very uncool, and a few kids snigger. "So this is Geometry. Don't worry, it's not that hard."

Geometry Fun Facts:

Coach Adnan doesn't wear his mask every day. He has no scars to hide – his face is very handsome. Nobody ever knows why he wears it, and he does so at random.

He gives out very little homework – for this the students are eternally grateful.

Coach Adnan's form of discipline is yelling very loudly at any misbehaving students, usually making fun of them/humiliating them in from of the class.

He claims to be best friends with Mr. Honda, although when asked, Mr. Honda will not really give an answer.

He bashes on Coach Karpusi a lot, and expresses a dislike for cats.

DO NOT TOUCH OR WEAR HIS MASK. You will not live to see another day.

Coach Adnan is the assistant coach for football, even though there is no football in Turkey. He barely knows the rules.

**Biology – Braginski, Ivan – Country: Russia**

The students line up outside of the door, chatting in the hall. Right before the bell rings, it opens to reveal a giant man in a lab coat. He's smiling sweetly down at them, which creeps them out. The talking ceases immediately. "Hello, I am Mr. Braginski. Thank you for lining up against the wall. If there had been a fire or gas leakage in one of these rooms, the poor people inside would need a way to escape. Blocking the doors would result in long and painful death, da?" The students are frozen in terror. Why was he still smiling?!

The remainder of day 1 is even more horrifying. Mr. Braginski goes over safety rules and procedures, happily describing in great detail exactly what would happen if you, say, get acid in your eye. "Then your cornea will start to deteriorate and you will be crying out in pure agony…"

Biology Fun Facts:

Everyone – no matter _who_ you are – is absolutely terrified of Mr. Braginski. Fear is the main factor of his classes.

There are NO discipline issues.

Mr. Braginski's favorite labs are the dangerous ones – he enjoys describing worse-case also enjoys showing the class pickled body parts. This will make you pee your pants.

Because the students are so focused on surviving, they have the highest Biology test scores the school has ever seen.

On the rare occasion that a student is brave enough to ask a question, Mr. Braginski is actually a very patient teacher.

He always has a vase of sunflowers on his desk.

It is a well-known fact that he loves sunflowers. Perhaps the biggest dare anyone can think of is to kill the sunflowers. When someone finally did, Mr. Braginski actually _cried_ in front of the class. This was scarier than anything else he had done.

A way to avoid work is to ask a scientific question about sunflowers. He will talk for the whole hour.

Unfortunately for his students, things do not improve on the days that Mr. Braginski is absent. The day before he left, he announced that his "sestra" would be subbing. For some reason, he looked nervous about it. The next day, the students line up in the hall under the death-glare of a beautiful young woman with long silver-blonde hair. Her midnight blue eyes burn with utter loathing, and she has a disecting tool clenched in her fist like a knife. "My name is Ms. Arlovskaya. I am Ivan's little sister. I feel sorry for him, having to deal with snotty scum like you all day." She says very little for the remainder of the day, handing out worksheets and sitting on Mr. Braginski's desk, glaring at them as they work. One student leaned over to the girl next to him to ask a question, and a scalpel whizzed just inches from his ear and lodged itself into the wall behind him.

After that, the students developed an "Arlovskaya Alert System", where they spread the word and skip class to avoid getting killed that day. Suprisingly, Mr. Braginski does not get onto them for avoiding his sister.

**Chemistry – Oxenstierna, Berwald – Country: Sweden.**

The students line up in the hall, waiting to meet their new chemistry teacher. When the bell rings, an extremely tall man with blonde hair, glasses, and stony cold blue eyes emerges from the room. He just stares at them for almost a full minute. The students can't help but think he's contemplating murder. When at last he _does_ speak, his voice is incredibly deep and intimidating. "C'm in." After another moment of staring, he leads the way into the classroom. "Th's 's chemistry. M' name is Mr. Oxenstierna. If 'ts too hard t' pr'nounce, y' cn' call m' Mr.O."

Chemistry Fun Facts:

The students are _terrified_ of Mr. O. He speaks in short, curt sentences and spends a lot of time staring them down. He never blinks, and nobody knows what goes on in his head.

Mr. O. is like a robot. He only talks to teach and give instruction. He never chats or gives his opinion on anything. Mr. O. never repeats himself, and whatever he says is _extremely_ important. To be in his class means when you hear his voice, you'd better pay attention.

There are no behavior issues in chemistry.

Students often argue over which science teacher is more terrifying: The childlike sadistic Bio teacher, or the robot cerial killer Chem teacher.

On Mr. O's desk is a photo of a smiling man with blonde hair and brown eyes. When someone finally worked up the nerve to ask who it is he says, "Th'ts m' wife, Tino." The kids freeze. HOLY CRAP.

One day Mr. O says to the class, "I won't b' here t'morrow. M' wife, Tino, will b' subs'tuting." The next day, the man in the photograph is standing by the door, grinning widely as his eyes sparkle. "Hey, guys, how are you? My name is kind of hard to pronounce, so you guys can call me Mr. T. Well, I guess we can all go in, now!" The students can't _believe_ how opposite this man is of Mr. O. He walks happily to the front of the room and sits on Mr. O's desk. "Well, everybody, I have good news. Today you guys don't have to do any work! Great, right?" The students pump their fists. "I'm glad you are happy! Berwald doesn't like his students to not do anything, but…" he blushed and smiled apologetically. "He doesn't really trust me with chemicals and stuff like that."

The kids like Mr. T. (Even if he _is_ kind of annoying) because they don't have to do any work and it's nice to have a human as your teacher instead of a lifeless killer-robot. When asked about the whole "wife" thing, Mr. T. blushes a lot, laughs nervously and claims he and "Berwald" are just really close friends. Sure, Mr. T. Sure.

The week before Christmas break, Mr. T. randomly shows up and visits each classroom, wishing everyone a Merry Christmas and giving a present to each teacher.

At the end of the year, Mr. O. brings his best students a bar of Swedish chocolate. They purposefully talk about how wonderful it is in front of Mr. Zwingly. He gets into another chocolate rant, but all the students say is, "Well, if you would let us taste yours, we would be able to judge whose is better!" (They _still_ don't get any of Mr. Zwingly's chocolate.)


	2. History

**Just imagine...having a Hetalia character as your history teacher... -swoons-**

History Classes

**American History – Jones, Alfred – Country: America**

The students are surprised that American History also has a new teacher. "But it's _American _History – we can't have a foreign teacher for that!" They are greeted in the hall by a tall, blue-eyed man with glasses and a flashy smile. "Sup, dudes! American History, right this way!" He's American; the students are _relieved._ The classroom is plastered with American flags and there are several artifacts hanging from the walls – baseball bats, arrowheads, jerseys, Elvis Presley posters, etc. The room smells of fast food, and the students look back at Mr. Jones's desk to see a bag of McDonald's. On the podium is an extra-large drink.

When the bell rings, Mr. Jones strides in, flashing his smile at the class. "Hey, dudes! Welcome to American History! My name is Coach Jones – I'm the new baseball coach this year. Who saw the last Ranger game, by the way? Any fans in here…?"

American History Fun Facts:

Coach Jones is the best history teacher anyone has ever had. He is excited and emotional about each lesson. To him, history is real and he portrays it to the students as such.

It is very easy to get him off track during his lectures. Coach Jones will be happy to spend the entire hour talking about movies, video games, or sports.

When it comes to discipline, most kids are interested enough not to blow it. Coach Jones is the best teacher they get, so they don't want to get kicked out. He's pretty tolerant, but NO attitudes. Push-ups and laps are his form of punishment.

Despite being very fit, there is always a bag of McDonald's on his desk. He likes slurping his drink during lectures.

Every Friday the class has pizza parties "Because it's Friday!"

Coach Jones is the most patriotic person you will _ever_ meet. During the pledge of allegiance his students must stand straight and be loud and clear. His favorite holiday is July 4th. On days like 9-11, he is depressed all day.

He seems to know everything about American History. EVERYTHING.

One day Coach Jones announced, "Well, I won't be here tomorrow - " Groans of disappointment went up around the room and he smiled. "But y'all get to hang with my bro Mr. Williams! He's teaching French this hour, so just go to his class. He's pretty cool and lame at the same time - he'll love you guys!" As instructed, the students all filed into the French class, only to find that there was no teacher in the room. With twice as many kids in there as usual, they just talked all hour until the bell rang. Later they said, "Where _was_ Mr. Williams, anyway?"

One of Coach Jone's favorite things to do is make fun of Mr. Kirkland. Since everyone hates their English teacher, they all join in. This leads to poor Mr. Kirkland being called "Eyebrows", "Limey", "Old Man", and most common, "Iggy". It does NOT go over well.

**World History – Karpusi, Heracles – Country: Greece**

The first thing the students notice when they walk in is the abundance of ancient Greek posters and artifacts. The next thing is the man lounging at his desk. He has wavy brown hair and sleepy olive-green eyes. His desk is covered in cats – cat statues, cat stuffed animals, photos of him and his cats – and a photo of him and Mr. Honda with Greek ruins in the background. About a minute after the bell rings, Mr. Karpusi slowly walks to the board. The noise dies down. "Hello. My name is…Coach Karpusi. I coach wrestling." His voice is soft and far-away. "I'm from Greece. I like cats." The students look at each other. Was this guy for real?

World History (with Coach Karpusi) Fun Facts:

Coach Karpusi's pet peeve is noise. On the first day he says, "You know better than to talk in class. If I think you were talking too much, I will not tell you. You'll just get an F for the day." Any students who test this policy fail the class.

Most of the time, Coach Karpusi just tells the class to read the textbook while he sleeps at his desk. Tests are on Fridays, and most kids cheat.

About once a week, Coach Karpusi will give a lecture about Ancient Greece. His far-off, sleepy voice puts the entire class to sleep. The next day there's a test on the lecture. Even though everyone guesses, they still pass.

DO NOT TOUCH HIS CATS. This is about the only thing that will make him mad, and Coach Karpusi can really be a bitch when he's mad.

The other thing that sets him off is the mention of Coach Adnan. Everyone knows the two coaches _hate_ each other. Mentioning one to the other is a good way to trigger a rant – thus avoiding work.

Coach Karpusi is almost constantly talking about cats. Every now and then the class will get a cat lecture instead of a history lecture.

**World History – Wang, Yao – Country: China**

"Hello. Welcome to World History." The students hold back snickers at the heavy Chinese accent of their history teacher. He is a small man with silky black hair tied in a ponytail and a harsh gaze. The classroom is covered in Chinese scrolls, paper lanterns and a dragon hangs from the ceiling. Mr. Wang is at the board before the bell rings. "Nín hǎo. This class is World History. My name is Mr. Wang and I am from China." He says it as if any other country is inferior.

World History (with Mr. Wang) Fun Facts:

Mr. Wang is somewhat of a control freak. If anything gets on his nerves, he will scream at the class.

Classtime is spent with Mr. Wang's lectures, then he assigns reading for homework. The students are graded on how well they take notes over both.

Mr. Wang zooms by Greek and Roman history, until they get to Chinese history. He teaches this in so much detail that he uses college textbooks instead of the general ones.

Mr. Wang teaches Chinese history very well, sometimes bringing traditional clothing, demonstrating fighting techniques, teaching the class some calligraphy, and even bringing home-made Chinese food for them to sample. The class becomes less of a World History and more of a Chinese History.

Sometimes Mr. Wang will lecture about how disgusting American culture is. Some students tell this to Coach Jones – he was _not_ happy.

Mr. Wang loves pandas. His desk has many statues and stuffed animal pandas. DO NOT TOUCH THEM. Once Mr. Braginski stole one and came to school the next day with a black eye.

The students are relieved on the days that Mr. Wang is gone. The substitute is Mr. Chun from Hong Kong. They don't have to do any work, and often spend the class hour making fun of Mr. Wang.

**Please review! Any funny ideas you have I will be happy to add. :)**


	3. Foreign Languages

**EDIT! I switched Canada to teaching French because his personality fit better, and I just loved the idea of France being a rich actor. ^ ^**

Foreign Languages

**Spanish – Carriedo, Antonio – Country: Spain**

The students are greeted by a cheery man with ruffled brown hair and laughing green eyes. "Hola! Bienvenidos a la clase de español!" Girls giggle. He's _cute._ The classroom is very bright and colorful, with Spanish posters and beautiful photographs of Spain. Everyone chats until Mr. Carriedo walks to the front of the class, smiling. "Hola, bienvenidos a la clase de español. Mi nombre es Sr. Carriedo." He is met with blank stares. Mr. Carriedo just smiles to himself. "Wow, we have a long way to go, don't we?" Then to the class, "Hey, everybody! My name is Mr. Carriedo, but you can call me Señor Carriedo. Everyone say it on three, okay? Uno, dos, tres…"

"Señor Carriedo." The class murmers.

"Oh, come on, you can do better than that! I want you to be so loud that Mr. Edelstein gets a headache. Uno, dos tres!"

"Señor Carriedo!" the class shouts. He smiles.

"Muy bueno! I knew you weren't a bunch of lazies!" The students look around at each other. Maybe this guy isn't so bad.

Spanish Fun Facts:

Despite his cheery disposition, Sr. Carriedo has few discipline problems. The reason?

"Okay, class, may I have your attention, por favor?" He gets it when he pulls a huge battle axe seemingly out of nowhere. Exclamations go up around the room.

"Silencio, por favor!" He calls out. The class doesn't dare disobey the guy with the battle axe. "This!" Sr. Carriedo proudly gestures towards the axe. "Is _Alejandra._ She has saved my life on many occasions. Of course, the same cannot be said for her victims…" The class stares in horror. Was he being serious? They though he was nice and fun, not a phycopath! "Are you for real?" A student asks.

"Si, I am completely serious." The boy shrinks back into his chair.

"Now, I hope I don't have any problems with behavior," Sr. Carriedo strokes the axe fondly. "Because if I do…"

Needless to say, Sr. Carriedo has_ very_ well-behaved classes.

The episode with the axe is the only time the students see Sr. Carriedo not cheery and bright. He is always in a good mood, never losing his temper or getting annoyed.

Sr. Carriedo speaks in Spanish often, but will always translate. The type of Spanish he teaches is Spain Spanish, not Mexican.

He often talks about Spanish culture, and how wonderful Spain is. He sells pencils and other supplies, claiming that the money will go to plane tickets for his best student. There is a jar packed with cash labled "España" on his desk. At the end of the year, a student actually got the money and went back to Spain with Sr. Carriedo for 2 weeks of _free_ vacation.

Every Friday Sr. Carriedo brings snacks from Spain. (Mainly churros)

He gives tutoring for those who need help.

One day he came to school in his Matador uniform and spent the whole hour explaining bull-fighting.

There are always tomatoes on Sr. Carriedo's desk, as well as a photo of him and another man somewhere in Spain. He has his arm around the man, beaming, while the man is scowling and trying to get out of the picture. When students ask who he is, he smiles wide and says, "Mi pequeño Lovi."

Students find out who the man is on the days he substitutes (If they hadn't already met him in Home-Ec.) Mr. Vargas is Mr. Pasta's brother, and Sr. Carriedo's (claimed) best friend. The first thing he says when class starts is, "Alright, everyone shut up. You're not going to learn Spanish today because Spanish is a-stupid. We're going to learn Italian!" Nobody really likes Mr. Vargas that much, because he's always delivering insults or shouting at everyone to shut up. In class, he teaches them insults in Italian. When Mr. Pasta hears these profanities later in Home-Ec., he is mortified and begs the students to stop being so vulgar. Sr. Carriedo calls Mr. Vargas "Lovi", and seems oblivious to his grouchy nature.

**French – Williams, Matthew - Country: Canada**

The students are a bit myphed when they walk into class to find that there is no teacher to be found. The classroom is decorated with a few French posters, but mostly pictures of vast expanses of winter wilderness. There were three flags hanging above the white board: The required American flag, a French flag, and a Canadian flag. When the bell rings, the kids continue to chat until they hear the door close. They all look up expecting to see their teacher (which is the only reason they saw him). He had wavy blonde hair that fell on his shoulders with a long curly strand that hung in front of his face. Big indigo eyes shined behind a pair of round glasses, and he looked suprised that everyone in the room was staring at him. "Oh! Well I guess you can see me now...I was standing out in the hall but you guys just came in..." The kids look around at eachother. There was nobody in the hall, what was he talking about? Their teacher walked to the front of the room, his voice almost a whisper as he addressed the class. "Well I guess I'll get started, then, eh? Bonjour, bienvenue à la classe française. My name is Mr. Williams, and I'm from Canada."

French Fun Facts:

-Having Mr. Williams as a teacher was a little frustrating, since he never spoke above a whisper. This meant that if even one person was talking, it was impossible to hear the lesson, and so the students were constantly hissing at each other to shut up. Unfortunately, this often resulted in a roar of "SSSSHHHH!" which didn't help the situation at all.

-In addition to being impossible to hear, Mr. Williams was also very difficult to see. As ridiculous as this sounds, the kids found that they were only able to find him when they were expecting to see him, that is, once the bell had rung. He had a weird way of just popping into view, as if he had been there the entire time, when the students swore the room was empty.

-Mr. Williams was a very kind teacher. He was very good at explaining the language, and even used some activities to help the students learn better. When asked if he had ever been to France, the answer was yes. "I actually went to school there for awhile. That's how I met Monsieur Bonnefoy." Every now and then the Drama teacher would pop into class, impressing the students with emotional monolgues in French, then would tussle Mr. William's hair affectionately and say, "Au revoir, mon petit Matthieu!" It was obvious to the class that this greatly annoyed the Canadian, but he just sighed and said, "Old family friend."

-Most would think that Mr. Williams has behaviour issues in his class, but such is not the case. On the first week of school, there was a boy who was contantly mouthing off and being rude, no matter how much he was shushed by his classmates. Finally, in the middle of class, his remark was interrupted by a shriek of suprise. "AAHH! What the hell - is that a BEAR? OH MY GOD, GET IT OFF, GET IT OFF!" The students turned to look at him and exlamations of suprise went up as they realised there really _was_ a bear, and it had clamped his jaws around the boy's foot. Girls leapt out of their desks and a few boys picked up their text books to hit the animal with, but a pair of arms wrapped around the bear and lifted it off the boy's leg. Somehow Mr. Williams had teleported to the scene without anyone noticing, and now he was fondly stroking the animal's white fur, whispering to it soothingly in French. He smiled at his frazzled class. "Sorry about that. Kumajirou gets a little over-protective sometimes." After that, his classes remained _very_ well-behaved.

-One day during class, the door burst open to reveal a beaming Coach Jones. "Hey, bro! Just wanted to ask you a quick favor!" He strode over to the whiteboard, where Mr. William's stood, marker still in hand looking indignant.

"Alfred, you kind of just interrupted class - "

"So I'm gonna be gone tomorrow, right? Big ball game, and all that. You know. REAL sports?" Mr. William's eyebrow twitched. "Yeah, well, I kind of need a sub, but who wants to deal with _calling around_ and all that crap...So I figured all my kids could just hang with you!" At this, Mr. William's mouth dropped in horror. "_W-what_?" Coach Jones grinned and put his arm around his brother's neck, giving him a good noogie.

"I knew you would help me out! Thanks a buttload, Matt!"

The next day, there were twice as many students in French as usual, so it wasn't a suprise that Mr. Williams magically disappeared. He is often asked how he and Coach Jones are brothers, with different last names and coming from different countries. To this he would let out a great sigh. "We're half brothers. It's kind of complicated...Let's just say our dad was _French_."


	4. Other Credits

Other Credits

**Computers - Von Bock, Eduard - Country: Estonia**

The students walks into the computer lab to see a man with neat dirty-blonde hair, sharp blue eyes, and glasses. He nods and smiles at them. When the bell rings, he stands up. "Good morning. My name is Mr. Von Bock. If you would look on you desks, you see there is a number. Each number corrosponds to a number on a computer. Please go the that computer now, and we will log in and get started."

Computer Fun Facts:

Computers is perhaps the only class that, despite the foreign teacher, seems completely normal. The studens are _very_ grateful for this; some will even say that Mr. Von Bock is one of their favorite teachers "just because he's normal."

Mr. Von Bock just follows the simple school curriculum, but he is a tech _genius_. He is in charge of the "Computer Club", an extra class that teaches programming and other advanced techniques.

It's not unusual for Mr. Von Bock to be in other classrooms, fixing smart boards and so on. If something ever breaks, the teachers will say, "Call Von Bock!" It catches on so that even if a student's phone is giving them problems, they use it as an expression.

Every now and then Mr. Von Bock's nephew, Raivis, will come and sit in class. The twelve-year-old is very truthful about the other teachers, often saying things bluntly, such as, "Ms. Braginskaya has the biggest boobs I've ever_ seen_!" and other offenses. The class finds it halarious, while Mr. Von Bock flusters and says to Raivis, "You need to keep your mouth more closed."

**Personal Finance - Zwingly, Vash - Country: Switzerland**

The students walk into the classroom to see a shorter man with chin-lenth blonde hair and peircing green eyes at the front of the room. He is wearing an army uniform and stands with his arms behind his back, as if at attention. "Sit down in your seats immidiately and without a sound!" he orders, and the students obey. The classroom is awkwardly silent until the bell rings. Mr. Zwingly strides to the door and locks it shut. "If anyone is tardy to my class, you can spend the hour in the office explaining to the principle why you can't make it on time. You have five minutes - that should be more than enough." The students moan. Great - this guy is even worse than Mr. Kirkland!

Personal Finance Fun Facts:

Mr. Zwingly runs the classroom like a military installment. There is no talking. No texting. Go gum. No violation of dress code. And NO being late or turning in assignments late.

Most of what he says is negative, unless he's giving passionate advice or explaining how wonderful Switzerland is.

In addition to having been in the Swiss army, Mr. Zwingly has also been in bank managing. He knows what he is talking about. He is very passionate about all the financial advice he gives, believing he's doing a good deed by teaching the students how to set a budget and save. He doesn't care that they hate his class - he believes it is all for their own good.

Mr. Zwingly has a thing for guns. He has several mounted on the wall, and asking him a gun question is a good way to avoid work.

On his desk is a picture of a young girl - maybe 13 - who looks almost exactly like him. When asked who it is, he says, "That's Lili, my niece." Occationally she will sit in class. Lili just sits quietly at his desk, listening to the lesson. Every now and then she will raise her hand to ask a question. Normally Mr. Zwingly ignores hands, but he always calls on her. Lili's questions are innocent, but coming from anyone else would sound sassy. ex: "But if stocks is nothing but gambling, how come you always tell us never to gamble?" The class can see that he's irritated by the questions, but answers them as patiently as he can. The _only_ time Mr. Zwingly is patient is when Lili is in class. He doesn't let _anyone_ near Lili and gives detention to anyone who talks to her.

Mr. Zwingly keeps a chocolate stash in his desk. Once someone got dared to steal a bar. They got suspended for the rest of the year.

Students will pay Lili to sneak them some chocolate. However, they _always_ get caught before they can eat it, and Lili has quite a stash of bribe money by the end of the year.

**Health - Elizabeta, Héderváry - Country: Hungary**

Boys' jaws drop when they walk into their health class. The teacher has the figure of a super-model, with long silver-brown hair and sparkeling green eyes. The room is decorated with posters of food pyramids and human anatomy. "Hello, class!" she sings. "Welcome to Health! My name is Ms. Héderváry. Can any of you guess where I am from?"

"Hollywood?" a boy asks. Some kids laugh, along with Ms. Héderváry.

"No, not Hollywood...I am from Hungary."

"Heck, me too, let's go eat!" The class laughs again, and Ms. Héderváry spells it on the board.

Health Fun Facts:

Everyone thinks that Ms. Héderváry is all sweet smiles and friendly laughs, until they make her mad. The first time this happens, the kids are so traumatized that they never get on her nerves again. She screamed at the class all hour and punched the wall with some really impressive karate moves. When Monsieur Bonnefoy came in to see what was going on, she socked him in the eye. Ms. Héderváry is a very sweet teacher. She just has a very dramatic breaking point. You do NOT make her angry.

Ms. Héderváry only eats kosher foods. Because she is so thin, several girls tried being kosher that year.

Many boys have tried hitting on Ms. Héderváry as a joke. She just smiles and says, "Awe, you're too sweet! But I'm just a tad too old for you, don't you think?" Their disappointment is genuine.

One day, Ms. Héderváry announces that she won't be here the next day. "My boyfriend will be substituting." Jaws drop and dreams are destroyed. _She has a boyfriend?! _"Who is it?" they ask. Ms. Héderváy blushes. "Have any of you met Coach Beilshmidt's brother?" The next day, a very attractive albino man is leaning against the board. Girls swoon. "Alright, losers, listen up! I am The Awesome Gilbert and it's my job to teach you weaklings about the human body!" He winks. "This is going to be fun..."

Every time Gilbert substitutes, Health is converted to sex ed. It gets_ extremely_ awkward. He also enjoys teaching the class bad words in German. Some students ask him _way_ too personal questions about his and Ms. Héderváry's relationship, and he will gladly answer them in detail. TMI! When kids mention what they learned from Gilbert in front of Ms. Héderváry, she becomes a ticking time bomb. The next time Gilbert subs, he begs them not to repeat anything he says. "She hit me with a frying pan!" Knowing Ms. Héderváry, they believe him.

Ms. Héderváry is also in charge of year book, alongside Mr. Honda. She always has a camera on her and will randomly pop into classrooms to take photos, much to the teachers' annoyance.

**Home Economics - Vargas, Feliciano - Country: Italy**

The man standing in the hallway by the Home Ec. room beams and waves at each of the students as they walk in. "Ciao! It's really nice to meet you! Come on in! I'm so glad you're here!" He has auburn hair and a curl that sticks out sideways, with shining amber eyes. When the bell rings, he practically skips to the front of the room. "Ciao, everyone! Welcome to Home Ec! My name is Mr. Vargas, and I'm from Italy. I'm really excited to be teaching you guys this year! We're going to learn so much, you probably won't remember it all!" Some studens groan. This guy is just too much. "Alright, I"m going to pass out a list of all the important things we're going to learn in here." After passing the papers out, one student raises his hand. "Si?"

"Um, all I see is a bunch of Italian words." Mr. Vargas beams. "Those aren't just any Italian words. Those are all of the different pastas we're going to learn how to make!" The kids' jaws drop. "_All_ of these?"

"Yup! And when we're done with pasta, we'll move on to pizza!"

"But there's like, fifty different pastas on here!"

"I know! Isn't is wonderful?" After that, everyone calls Mr. Vargas "Mr. Pasta".

Home Ec. Fun Facts:

Even though Mr. Pasta is extremely tolerant, he does get overwhelmed every now and then. The first time this happened, his eyes got wide with panic and he dialed a number rapidly on his cell-phone. "Ludwig! Ludwig, you have to come help meeee! Pleeeaase! They're all making too much noise and I can't even teach! No, I promise this is the last time! I pinky promise!" A few minutes later the door burst open to reveal Coach Beilshmidt, breathing hard with his arms crossed. "EVERYONE BE QUIET THIS INSTANT!" The class froze. "SIT DOWN IN YOUR DESKS IMMIDIATELY! I AM GOING TO COUNT TO THREE, AND IF THERE IS ANYONE STILL STANDING, THEY WILL HAVE TO RUN TWENTY LAPS! EINS! ZWEI! DREI!" Everyone made a wild dash to their seats, and when he finished Coach Beilschidt eyed them suspiciously. "Sehr Gut."

"Danke, Ludwig!" Mr. Pasta smiled and waved, but it was returned with an annoyed glance. After that day, the students were careful never to push Mr. Pasta to the limit again.

The smells wafting from the Home Ec. room draw constant visitors, both students and teachers alike. Most of Mr. Pasta's students never eat lunch. Mr. Pasta is a pro. His recipies taste _so good!_

Not only do they learn how to make pasta, but also the history of who made it and how.

On Mr. Pasta's desk is a photo of him and Coach Beilschmidt in front of the leaning tower of Pisa - him grinning wide, Coach Beilschmidt looking stoic and unfomfortable. He talks about the German often, and outside of class is always following him, chattering away while Coach Beilschmidt is remarkably tolerant. When asked more personal questions about their relationship, Mr. Pasta just grins and says, "We're best friends forever!" Ask him if he loves Coach Beilschidt, and he'll give an enthusiastic, "Si!" Kids make dirty jokes about the two all the time, but Mr. Pasta remains oblivious.

One day, Mr. Pasta announces, "I'm sorry I won't be here tommorrow - I'll miss you guys! But mio fratello will be substituting. He's really good at making pasta, too!" The next day, there's a man who looks identical to Mr. Pasta, only with darker hair, green eyes, and a permanent scowl on his face. "Alright, everyone, shut up and a-listen. I'm Mr. Vargas. Your teacher is my pathetic little brother. Don't ever listen to him - he's an imbecile. So! Today, I'm going to show you how to make tomato sauce - the _right_ way!" Nobody really likes Mr. Vargas. He's a dick. Even Mr. Pasta admits it.

**Agriculture - Braginskaya, Yekaternia - Country: Ukraine**

When the students first see their new Ag teacher, the first thing they notice is her very large breasts. Most suspect they are fake, and are a bit disgusted. The boys can barely manage to tear their eyes from the bosoms to notice that the Ag teacher has short blonde hair and sea green eyes. The classroom is decorated with scenic photographs of fields and livestock. When the bell rings, the teacher bounces to the board. "Hello! Welcome to Agriculture! My name is Ms. Braginskaya. Some of you may know my brother, Mr. Braginski. Do any of you know why our last names aren't the same?" The students, still shell-shocked at her chest, do not relply. Ms. Braginskaya smiles and blushes slightly. "My brother is from Russia, and I am from the Ukraine. In the Slavic countries, girls and boys have different last names. The name 'Braginski' becomes 'Braginskaya'. Make sense?" The class nods hyptonically. How are boobs that big even _legal?_

Ag Fun Facts:

Ms. Braginskaya is probably the nicest teacher in the school. She is almost always smiling, and views all of her students as her own children. She never has to worry about behavior because during the first week, Mr. Braginski payed a visit.

"Hello." He smiles creepily. "So you are my sestra's students, da?" Despite the obvious answer, the students nod. Mr. Braginski's smile darkens and the room seems to get a few degrees colder. "I see. She talks fodly of you often. My sestra loves children. You would be wise not to take this for granted, da?" The students nod enthusiastically. As if he hadn't already made his point, the creepy Russian adds, "Anyone who gives my sestra problem will get to spend detention with me. We will have fun time cleaning eyeball jars, da?" No behavior problems. None at all.

The question still remains as to whether or not Ms. Braginskaya's breasts are real. Nobody has the heart to ask her, nor the guts to ask her siblings. When asking other teachers, they don't know either. That still doesn't change the fact that it's easy to get..._distracted_ while she's teaching.

To the students' horror, Ms. Arlovskaya is also the sub for Ag. At first they thought they were safe, since there are no dissecting tools in Ag. That was until Ms. Arlovskaya used a spade as a throwing dart. Most teachers open up their rooms to "Arlovskaya Refugees" to ensure life expectancy at Bixington High.

**Next up is the Arts (once my demon Spanish teacher gives me my papers back...) I'm having trouble deciding on a choir teacher... if there is one? And I was going to to Taiwan for art, but I don't know much about her. Reviews would be awesome, I love you guys! :)**


	5. The Arts

**First I am going to thank all you wonderful people who reviewed and made suggestions regarding a choir teacher! Thank you so much! ^ ^ After the Austria crisis and several comments and PM's, the choir teacher iss...drumrolll...Norway! :D Hope you enjoy!**

**READ THIS!**

**Since I fell in love with France as a drama teacher, I switched the French teacher to Canada. It works, I promise. ;)**

The Arts

**Band/Orchestra -** **Edelstein, Roderich - Country: Austria**

The members of the band are sceptical of their new director. They come to summer rehearsal, whispering and watching the man they'll be stuck with. He is very well-dressed, with combed yet chaotic ebony hair and a mole on his chin. Sharp indigo eyes peer from behind a pair of glasses. Despite his prudish aura, he's rather attractive. With a clap of his hands, he calls the band to attention. "Hallo, everyone. As many of you know, my name is Mr. Edelstein and it is an honor to be your new director this year. I can assure you that I will do everything in my power to make this band a great one."

Band/Orchestra Fun Facts:

-That year, the students never worked as hard as they did for Mr. Edelstein. Weekly sectionals began in June, weekly rehearsals in July, and then a vigorous 2 weeks of band camp in August. Once school started, they had to be ready to play at 7:00 am, otherwise they would get detention. Evening rehearsals were on Thursdays from 3:00pm to 8:00pm.

-In the end, all that hard work was worth it. Their marching show - a modern twist on Mozart - won first place in regionals. Concert season was no different, again recieving top rating at contest. Although he worked the students almost to the point of quitting, Mr. Edelstein was without a doubt the best director they've ever had.

-The band is very well-disciplined. Mr. Edelstein does _not_ tolerate any rudeness or exessive talking. He may appear calm and collected, but he is very irritable and can snap without notice, screaming at the band to shut up. He is also a neat freak, so his form of punishment is to make students stay after school and clean the band room.

-When directing, Mr. Edelstein is _very_ into it. During exciting parts, he is almost scowling with the intensity of the music, his curl bouncing as he conducts. During peaceful parts, he smiles distantly and closes his eyes. Most students think he is made from music himself.

-He is a master of the piano, and every now and then the students convince him to give them a concert. Sometimes they'll ask him to play rock music or pop arrangements. He is suprisingly good at them.

-Mr. Edelstein loves classical music, especially that of German composers. However, the band plays some modern pop songs as well as the classics. He claims to be doing so to keep the kids interested, but most think he has a secret passion for Dubstep and Katy Perry.

-There are rumors about who _else_ he might love. Some students swear they've seen Mr. Edelstein checking out Ms. Hedevary. To raise suspicions, a mysterious bouquet of flowers was delivered to her classroom on Valentine's Day, and it wasn't from Gilbert. Neither Mr. Edelstein nor Ms. Hedevary will say much when asked about it, but the kids have a feeling they knew each other previously. Once someone brought it up to Gilbert, and he spent the entire hour ranting about how much he hates the Austrian.

-Mr. Edelstein's weakness is his sweet tooth. He has a slice of cake every morning, along with a cup of tea. If you were to open the small refrigerator in his office, it would be filled with desserts of a high quality. And Mr. Edelstein does NOT share. (When someone pointed out this similarity he has to Mr. Zwingly, the Austrian put the poor student in detention for no apparent reason.)

**Art - Mei, Xiao - Country: Taiwan**

The students are greeted by a beautiful young woman with long graceful dark hair that ends at her hips. Her dark eyes sparkle and her smile lights up the hallway. Unlike the other foreign teachers, she wears her traditional clothing - a kimono dress with long wide sleeves and several pink flowers clipped into her hair. "Hi guys, weclome to art! Have a seat anywhere!" The room is exploding with color, hardly an inch of the wall isn't covered by hand-painted pictures, ranging from Tiawanese ink to bright abstracts.

Art Fun Facts:

-Most kids would describe Ms. Mei as "cool". She is young and full of energy, and is very good at what she does.

-The kids can always tell which days they are going to be painting because wears a used-to-be white paint coat, the sleeves wide just like her typical kimono. The coat is covered in splatters of different colors, and a few designs she "tested" on her own sleeve.

-Ms. Mei's favorite media is paints. Every now and then she will set up a large canvas and paint while the students work. She's a very "expressive" artist, getting splatters on the floor, the wall, her face, and hands. She doesn't notice, and so the door knobs, pens, and keyboard are also coated in colorful fingerprints.

-Since Ms. Mei is from Taiwan, she teaches the students now to use Indian ink and traditional art techniques. (Mr. Wang's lessons on caligraphy come in handy here) She also starts an Anime Club for students who want to improve or learn how to draw anime.

-On the days that she is gone, her twin, Mr. Chun, is the substitute. He doesn't have nearly as much energy as his sister, although still is very young and acts cool. Mostly he listens to his ipod while the class talks.

-A few months into the year, the students notice a photo of Ms. Mei and Mr. Honda taped to her computer moniter. "Are you guys _dating?" _They ask, to which their art teacher blushes and says it's none of their business. It becomes a hot topic among the students, who say "Awwww!" everytime they catch the two asian teachers next to each other at lunch or in the hall. Every now and then Mr. Honda will help with the Anime Club as well. (He's actually way better at it than Ms. Mei, but refuses to draw outside of the club)

**Drama - Bonnefoy, Francis - Country: France**

The kids enter the drama room and are greeted by a stlylish young man with shoulder-length blonde hair, stubble on his chin, and two sparkeling sapphire eyes. "Bonjour, mes amis, 'ave a seat!" Oh. He's French. Not sure why this doesn't strike a good tone with them, the kids chat in the theatre seats until the bell rings. Their drama teacher leaps onto the stage, looking down at them with a dashing smile. "Bonjour, la classe! My name is Monsieur Bonnefoy, and you are very fortunate to 'ave me as your drama instructor this year. 'Ow many of you plan to persue an acting career?"

Drama Fun Facts:

- M. Bonnefoy (pronounced Bon-fwah) was asked the same question about a million times on the first day of school: "How come you don't teach French?" "_Because,_ mes amis, learning a language is très boring! I am called to a much 'igher form of art, non? Acting is my passion, it is what I live for!" The students would soon find out how true that satement was.

- Just as he said, M. Bonnefoy is a very accomplished actor. He's had some small roles in French films and has a diploma from the CNSAD. He's right at home on the stage; with everything from ballet to soap operas, he has quite the repertoire. Even though he preferres old-fashioned plays (although for some reason he _despises_ Shakespear), M. Bonnefoy let the students decide which play they wanted to do. They ended up selecting a murder mystery.

-It's obvious by his new edge clothes and high-end cologne that M. Bonnefoy is very well off. Instead of limiting their show to the scarce school budget, the Frenchman used his own money to buy a new lighting and sound system, costumes, curtains, microphones, and almost anything they needed to put on a great show.

- Just like almost every new teacher this year, M. Bonnefoy pushed the students to their limits. Wheras in the previous years drama had been somewhat of a blow-off class, the students were truly improving and learning new acting techniques every day. Even though he always critiqued their work, M. Bonnefoy was careful to couple it with the occational praise. He always kept the kids interested and excited about what they were doing, with games and activities that improved certain skills.

-That year, the school play was an immense success. With the new lighting and sound system, complete with special effects that only someone who truly knew the secrets of the stage could come up with, each performance had a full house and a standing ovation at the end. The cast and crew celebrated with a special outing to a fancy French restaurant, courtesy of M. Bonnefoy.

-The only person who disliked the play was Mr. Kirkland, who claimed the only reason it was so popular was because "That Frog wasted all his money on show toys." The Englishman and the Frenchman seemed to have a bad history, and it was impossible for them to be near each other without a huge arguement taking place, usually ending in a physical brawl. It was not too unusual for either teacher to arrive at class with a black eye.

-Along with being an actor, M. Bonnefoy is also a hopeless romantic. He enjoys spouting quotes from love sonnets, usually in French, and is very open to talk about relationships (or sex, for that matter) in class. He throws his charm at everyone, so it's difficult to tell who he really loves, but most kids suspect the Frenchman has an eye for Mr. Edelstein. Unfortunately for M. Bonnefoy, the feelings are not returned and he once got his eye nearly poked out by a baton.

**Choir - Bondevik, Lukas - Country: Norway**

The students enter the choir room, slightly unsure about their new choir teacher. Most of them don't even notice the man sitting at the piano bench. He is fairly thin, with thick light brown hair that is clipped to one side with a cross-shaped pin. A stray curl sticks out on one side, and his deep indigo-blue eyes regard the students with a bored, emotionless stare. Sitting on the piano is a large steaming cup of coffee with the Norwegian flag printed on it. After the bell rings, he stands up and walks to the front of the room."Hello. I'm your new choir teacher, Mr. Bondevik from Norway. And no, before any of you ask, I am not a Viking."The students glance at each other, unsure if that was meant to be a joke. His expression was dead-pan and impossible to read, but that couldn't be a serious comment, could it?

Choir Fun Facts:

-The students take a while to warm up to their new choir teacher. Despite his lack of expression in both his voice and facial features, they find that he actually has a sense of humor, albeit an _extremely dry_ one. Normally his comments are sarcastic but witty. His smiles are rare and sly, just a slight lift of the corners of his mouth that only his students are able to catch. They often tease him about acting like an old man, to which he replies, "Every time you smile you're giving yourself a wrinkle."

-On Mr. Bondevik's desk is a large fancy-looking coffee maker, and he is rumored to go through at least ten cups of coffee during school hours. This earns him the nickname, "The Caffeine King", since he remains completely calm and laid back after consuming enough coffee to give you a heart attack.

-Mr. Bondevik is truly a talented singer. He taught an advanced choir back in Norway, and gives the students many new tips and insights to the art of singing. While often it seems as though they never please him with their efforts, it pays off when they take first in state.

-After weeks of begging, the class finally got him to give a small concert in Norwegian. He played a CD with recordings of his own violin playing and sang along, the tunes beautiful yet haunting. It wasn't long before Norwegian folk music became many of the students' new favorite genre of music.

-One of Mr. Bondevik's biggest quirks is that he believes in magic. Trolls, fairies, along with a host of other Norwegian spells and imaginary creatures are very real to him, and he will sometimes threaten the students with one if they don't sing well enough.

-Occasionally Mr. Bondevik's younger brother, Emil, will be hunched over in his office listening to his iPod. To the student's amusement, the Norwegian will force his brother to participate in choir practice. Emil despises being told what to do, and will spend the hour glaring or snapping insults at Mr. Bondevik, who responds with stares of perpetual boredom. One day Emil exploded, leaving the room and calling behind his shoulder, "And I won't call you storebror*, either!" Mr. Bondevik's lips twitched into a rare smirk. "You just did."

-One day Mr. Bondevik announced that he would be gone the next day. "An old friend of mine from Denmark will be substituting. Leave me a note if he misbehaves." At first the class thought this was a joke, but they were soon to be proven otherwise. The next day, they walked into the choir room to see that it had been converted into a party room. Liters of sodas and bags of chips were spread out on the table and a huge flat-screen TV had been wheeled in. Leaning back with his feet on the piano was a very tall man with spiky brown hair. "Hey, guys, welcome to the party!" He calls out, flashing a mischievous grin. "You can call me Matthias. Help yourselves, we're gonna watch The Expendables!"

When Mr. Bondevik returns he is in a terrible mood. At first the students think it's because of the mess left behind, but they were wrong. "I'm going to kill him. That idioten short-circuited my coffee machine."

***storebror - big brother (Norwegian)**

**For any of you who are interested, Norwegian folk songs are really cool, you should look 'em up on youtube. ;)**


	6. Athletics

**Yay! Last chapter! I **_**did**_** add a choir teacher, go check it out! I decided not to write an athletic profile for the Coaches because it's...just a sport, I guess. Not much to say there. BUT I still need help for cheerleading. I REALLY wanted to finish this, but I know NOTHING about cheer, it's just sad. So any tips you guys have on terms, the life of cheer in general...Would be wunderbar! The faster I get info, the sooner I can get this fic over with! Thanks for reading! :D**

Athletics

**Physical Education - Beilschmidt, Ludwig - Country: Germany**

The kids walk into the gym expecting the usual blow-off PE class. (This is where you and I snicker) They are "greeted" by a tall blonde who looks like he just stepped out of a gun show. He's wearing a black tank-top and military pants with combat boots. Hanging around his thick neck is a knight's cross on a chain, and his icy-blue eyes stare right through the student's souls. The first thing they notice, though, is his voice. "ALRIGHT, I VANT EVERYONE TO STAND IN A STRAIGHT LINE, SHOULDERS BACK, HEADS FORWARD, ARMS AT YOUR SIDE, NO FIDGETNG OR CHIT-CHAT!" Most of them are so stunned that they just stare at their new PE teacher. He grabs the nearest one by the collar and lifts him a foot off the ground. "ZAT'S AN ORDER! VERSTANDEN?" The poor child is shaking with fear and is on the verge of an asthma attack. "Uh...umm..." "YOU ANSWER ME WITH JAWOHL!" "_What?"_ The coach pinches the bridge of his nose, his eyebrows scrunched up in exasperation. "It's German... never mind, just fall back in line."

When the bell rings and all the students are lined up, he begins pacing back and forth in front of them, his hands folded behind his back, eyeing them with overall disapproval. "My name is Coach Beilschmidt, and I am from Germany. From now on you will always refer to me as 'Herr' and respond with 'Jawohl' when I give an order. As your new Physical Education teacher, it is my job to ensure that you are fit for combat." He eyes one of the larger students with distaste. "And zat WON'T be easy. We are here to WORK, verstanden? Any slacking off and zat's an automatic TWENTY LAPS!" There is a pause as the students wait for him to continue. "VAT DO YOU SAY WHEN I GIVE YOU AN ORDER?" "YAH-VOOHL!" They exclaim, mentally noting that they should probably start making their wills.

PE Fun Facts:

-As would be expected from the first day, PE class becomes more of an intense boot camp. Kids get so sweaty and worn out that they bring athletic clothes, LOTS of deodorant, water bottles, iPods, and barely have the energy to lift a pencil in their next class. Coach Beilschmidt likes to work them as close to the bell as possible, so girls barely have time to throw on a clean shirt and drown themselves in perfume before their next class. At first the other teachers are surprised when students stagger into their classrooms gasping for air, begging for water, and sweating enough to fill a swimming pool.

-After a few days of 'training', Coach Beilschmidt gets an idea of how fit (or unfit) his students are. He puts them into groups, assigning a challenging amount of work-outs for each one according to their level, so that even the jocks get worn out. Although he spends most of his time yelling at them to do more push-ups or run faster, he will participate right alongside his students. Rumors go around that Coach Beilschmidt is either a robot or Captain America in disguise. He can easily bench-press 300lbs and run a 5k in 14 minutes.

-Despite the line of parents in the principal's office demanding that their children stop being 'abused', many of the kids actually benefit from Coach Beilschmidt's intense workouts. Scrawny guys get biceps and abs; kids struggling with weight lose at least ten pounds by the end of the first semester.

-Coach Beilschmidt is _never_ relaxed, even around other teachers during break. The only one who can seem to get him to smile is Mr. Pasta, who follows him around offering pasta and hugs. To everyone's shock, the German doesn't break the Home Ec. teacher in half. Despite the irritated expression he always wears when Mr. Pasta is around...he seems not to mind the company. All kinds of dares go around, including: Run up to Coach Beilschmidt, give him a big hug and yell in an Italian accent, "I love you, Ludwig!" Or when he gives an order, to look up with big round eyes and say, "Okay, but if I make you pasta can I take a siesta?" The students who are brave enough to try it end up running 40 laps, but Coach Beilschmidt's tomato-red blush is ALWAYS worth it.

-The first day Coach Beilschmidt announced he wasn't going to be there the next day, the kids fell to their knees and thanked God. "My older Bruder will be substituting...He got kicked out of college, so now that dummkopf is sitting on my couch all day drinking MY beer..." Again, the kids thank the Lord for sending them a lazy substitute. Their hopes are dashed when they see that the man waiting for them is almost as muscular as his brother, with the same black tank-top and chain necklace. He flashes them a cocky grin. "Hallo, losers! You are standing in the presence of the Awesome Gilbert! So, how many of you feel like working out today?" The class groaned. Gilbert chuckled to himself. "Zat's vat I thought! You guys need a break, I can tell by the smell in the locker room. So today you crapwads don't have to do anything. All you have to do is watch the Awesome Me lift weights to Awesome music!" The students aren't sure if they should be thanking the Lord for giving them a break, or praying for this man to be less conceited. Needless to say, by the end of the day nearly every girl in the school has a crush on Gilbert thanks to Facebook pictures.


End file.
